How to confess porn: what to say to the priest

Why it’s so hard to say

Plenty of men stay away from confession for years because of this one sentence. They picture how the priest will react, whether he’ll recognize them, what he’ll think. Some confess everything else and leave exactly this out.

Ignatius of Loyola describes this situation precisely. In his rules for the discernment of spirits he compares the enemy to a seducer who wants his words kept secret. Nothing displeases him more than when they are revealed to a good confessor or another spiritual person, because then he knows he won’t succeed (Spiritual Exercises, no. 326). The shame that keeps you out of the confessional is not working for you.

The Catechism puts it plainly: “The confession (or disclosure) of sins, even from a simply human point of view, frees us” (CCC 1455). By admitting it, a man looks squarely at what he did, takes responsibility, and opens himself again to God and the Church “in order to make a new future possible.”

Before: ten minutes of examination of conscience

The Church recommends preparing with an examination of conscience in the light of the Word of God (CCC 1454). On this topic, three simple questions help:

• When was my last confession? Roughly is enough: “two months ago,” “about ten years ago.”
• What did I do? Looked at pornography, masturbated, maybe something else that weighs on you.
• About how often? An honest estimate is enough.

Write the answers down in a few words. Then you won’t be searching in the confessional, and nerves can’t take the sentence away from you.

One distinction takes a lot of pressure off: being tempted is not the same as consenting to temptation (CCC 2847). A thought or image that came and that you didn’t want is not an act you have to list. If you are genuinely unsure about something, say exactly that: “I don’t know whether I consented.” Then you can talk it through with the confessor instead of brooding over it alone.

The words: sentences that are enough

You don’t need polished phrasing. Clear and short is better than long and evasive. A few examples:

• “Since my last confession I have looked at pornography about ten times and masturbated.”
• “This has been a habit for years. About twice a week.”
• “I’m married, and my wife doesn’t know.” You don’t have to say this. But it can help if you’re looking for advice about your marriage.
• “It’s been fifteen years since my last confession. Please help me.”

What the Church asks is clearly defined: all grave sins you are conscious of after a careful examination of conscience are to be confessed in kind and number (can. 988 §1; CCC 1456). “Kind” means what you did. “Number” means how often, as best you know. You don’t have to describe images, content or websites. Only if a circumstance changes the kind of sin do you name it briefly. When in doubt, ask the priest.

Whether it was a grave sin in your case is not something this page can judge. The Church calls pornography a grave offense (CCC 2354), and it also names circumstances, such as the force of acquired habit, that can lessen culpability (CCC 2352). What applies to you belongs in the conversation with the confessor. More in Is porn a mortal sin?

How confession goes

The details vary a little from place to place, and the priest will guide you. Usually it goes like this:

1. Greeting and Sign of the Cross. The priest greets you and you make the Sign of the Cross together. Sometimes he reads a short passage from Scripture.
2. When your last confession was. One sentence: “My last confession was about three months ago.” If you like, add a word about your situation, for instance whether you’re married.
3. The confession. Your two or three sentences. At the end you can say: “For these and all my sins I am sorry.”
4. A word from the priest. He may give advice or ask a question. This is a good moment to say: “Could you give me one concrete step to take?”
5. The penance. The priest gives you a penance, often a prayer. It is meant to serve your spiritual good (CCC 1460), and you carry it out yourself (can. 981).
6. Contrition. You express your sorrow with an Act of Contrition or in your own words, for example: “My God, I am sorry with all my heart that I have sinned. With your grace I want to do better. Have mercy on me.”
7. Absolution. The priest says the words the Catechism gives: “God, the Father of mercies, through the death and the resurrection of his Son has reconciled the world to himself …” and concludes: “I absolve you from your sins in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit” (CCC 1449). You answer: “Amen.”

Many churches offer face-to-face confession as well as a confessional with a screen. You may choose whichever is easier for you. If you’re nervous, just say so at the start: “I’m pretty nervous.” It makes the conversation easier for both of you.

What the priest may ask

Some men fear an interrogation. Canon law says the opposite: if the priest needs to ask questions, he is to proceed “with prudence and discretion,” attentive to the condition and age of the penitent (can. 979). If he asks, it is usually to understand your situation and give good advice, for instance whether this is a long habit or what has helped so far. Answer honestly and briefly.

And if the confessor has no doubt about your disposition and you ask for absolution, it is to be neither refused nor deferred (can. 980).

What he may never do

The priest may not pass on anything you tell him in confession. The sacramental seal is inviolable (can. 983 §1). The Catechism calls it the “sacramental seal”: it admits of no exceptions, and the priest can make no use of knowledge that confession gives him about your life (CCC 1467).

If it’s been a long time

If you haven’t been to confession in years, it can feel as if you first have to sort out your whole life. You don’t have to do that alone. Say at the start how long it has been and ask the priest for help. You can also ask ahead of time for an appointment for a longer confession; many parishes offer this.

And if the step still seems far away: according to the Church’s teaching, contrition that arises from love of God already obtains forgiveness, even of mortal sins, if it includes the firm resolution to go to confession as soon as possible (CCC 1452). It doesn’t replace confession. It is the start of the road there.

Afterward

Do your penance soon, ideally the same day. Then take one small step with you that carries your resolution, for example: the phone stays in the kitchen at night. How to handle a sin that keeps coming back is covered in Confessing the same sin over and over, and what helps in the hard minute in Prayer against temptation.

Consurgam has a free confession guide with the steps of confession and a note for the confessor. The note stays only on your device. The app doesn’t tell you whether something was a mortal sin or whether you can receive Communion. That belongs to your conscience and your confessor.