How to find an accountability partner

What an accountability partner is, and what he is not

An accountability partner is a person you give an account to. You tell him, regularly and of your own free will, how it is going with your commitment, including when it is going badly.

He is not a guard who checks your phone. He is not a therapist treating a disorder. And for Catholics, he is not a confessor. He is a person to whom the hidden thing gets said out loud, before it eats you up.

Research on shame and guilt offers a clue as to why this can help. According to the review by June Tangney and colleagues, shame pushes people to deny, hide or escape. Guilt tends to lead to confessing, apologizing and making amends. Having one steady person you tell gives guilt somewhere to go and takes away shame’s hiding place. In G. Alan Marlatt’s relapse prevention model, the emergency plan after a slip also includes reaching out as soon as possible. There it is the therapist; in everyday life it can be a man you trust. For what helps right after a slip, see porn relapse: what to do now.

Who to ask

He does not have to be an expert. A few qualities matter more:

• Keeps confidences. What you tell him stays with him. Judge that by how he has acted before, not by what he promises.
• Reachable. Someone who answers a text the same day helps more than a wise man you see twice a year.
• Honest without preaching. He should be free to ask uncomfortable questions. He should not make you feel small.
• No dependence either way. Your boss, someone who works for you, or someone you owe money to are poor choices.
• Not in the thick of it himself. That does not rule out fellow strugglers (see the questions below). But one of you should have solid ground under his feet.

Good options: a close friend, a brother, an older mentor, a man from your church, or a small men’s group. If there is no one around you, start with a counselor or therapist. Your wife is not meant for this role, even though she may know about your path. Why, see how to tell your wife about porn.

How to ask: words you can use

The hardest part is the first sentence. Write it down beforehand. For example, one on one or on the phone:

“I want to ask you something that isn’t easy for me. I’ve been stuck with porn for a while and I want to change that. I’m looking for someone I can tell honestly, now and then, how it’s going. You don’t have to fix anything, just listen and ask. Could you see yourself doing that? It’s fine to say no or to think about it.”

A few things help:

• Keep it plain. No embellishing, no details. “Porn” and “for a while” is enough.
• Give him an out. A man who is free to say no can give you a more honest yes.
• Do not ask in passing. Not on the way out the door, not in front of others, not over drinks.

If he says no, that is not a rejection of you. Thank him and ask the next person on your list.

What to agree on

Vague arrangements fade fast. At your first meeting, settle a few points and write them down:

Point	Example
Rhythm	A short text every Sunday night, a real conversation once a month
Hard day	You text “hard day,” he checks in that evening
After a slip	You reach out on your own within 24 hours
Standing questions	“How did this week really go?” “Where was it close?” “What’s your next step?”
Boundaries	No details, no going through your phone, no telling others
Review	After two months: is this still working, what do we change?

If you set up a block through Screen Time on your iPhone, he can enter the Screen Time passcode so that only he knows it. That way he holds the key without seeing what you do. How to do that, and what to watch out for (such as making sure passcode recovery does not run through your own Apple Account), is covered in how to block porn on iPhone.

If you are the one being asked

If you are reading this because someone asked you: the fact that he trusted you with this is a big deal. You do not have to fix anything. Three things are enough:

1. Say thank you. “Thanks for telling me.”
2. No interrogation. Not “What exactly did you watch?” and not “How could you?”
3. Ask about the next step. “What’s your next step?” Then follow up later on whether he took it.

Do not act shocked, and do not brush it off. “Everybody does it” helps him no more than horror does.

Accountability without surveillance

There are two ways to set up accountability. Monitoring programs like Covenant Eyes record what happens on a device and send reports to a trusted person. For some men that is exactly right, especially if they know they tend to fool themselves. You will find a fair comparison under Covenant Eyes alternatives.

The other way is self-report: you say how it stands, and no one is looking over your shoulder. The responsibility stays with you, and the relationship stays one between adults. The weakness is obvious: it depends on your honesty. If you notice that you keep holding things back from your partner, take that as a signal to get more help, whether that is a monitoring program, a group or a therapist.

Consurgam takes this second path. With the partner check-in you tell one person you trust how it stands, when you choose. There is no live feed and there are no automatic reports.

If you have no one

That is no reason not to start. Begin with what is there: a session with a counselor or therapist, a men’s group, a pastor or priest. A steady accountability partner can grow out of contacts like these. Until then, it helps to be briefly honest with yourself each evening and write down how the day went.

If you are a believer

In the thirteenth of his rules for the discernment of spirits, Ignatius of Loyola describes the enemy as behaving like a false lover who wants to stay hidden and not be discovered. Ignatius himself writes there that “when one reveals them to his good Confessor or to another spiritual person that knows his deceits and evil ends, it is very grievous to him.” This is counsel from the spiritual tradition, not a dogma.

A brother in faith can be a very good accountability partner, and you can pray for each other. But talking with him is not confession and does not replace it. The Catechism says that the confession of sins, “even from a simply human point of view, frees us” (CCC 1455), and that confession to a priest is an essential part of the sacrament of Penance (CCC 1456). It is good to have both: a friend for everyday life and a regular confessor who knows your path over time. More on that in confessing the same sin over and over.